Out Logic

Listen while you read.

An Introduction

I am not your average guy. I am unique, in that most people I know, and most people I meet, are either intrigued or repelled by my differentness. I'm skinny and under-muscular, but I think that I have a great personality and I'm a good friend. I am Christian, but I swear, too. I open myself up to see the real person behind the clothes and hair product. I don't have a hard shell, nor do I hide behind a tough guy persona, because I don't have anything to hide.

But I do have something to hide. I am a double agent in my own life. Deep down, I am gay, but I'm living in a straight man's world.

By day I go along with straight life with my friends. I talk about getting married and having children. I think that I will be a great father. I'm in love with a girl, and she knows it, but I don't know if she loves me back. I am not dating and don't want to any time soon, but I have wonderful friends whom I love dearly.

By night, I fantasize about men and masturbate to daydreams in which I'm a main character, and am fully out. During the day I will notice beautiful women with long and luxurious hair and edible smiles, and I let out a whistle and turn to my co worker to talk about 'her' when she's out of range. I also notice attractive men, and shudder under my breath. I work in customer service, and my friendly smile doesn't flinch an instant. When I tilt my head forward, my ball cap covers my eyes and I can stare at their crotch, looking for their phallic outline.

In high school I was teased because everyone thought that I was gay, and it bothered me that I was so transparent as to let the secret slip. Of course, I denied it. I never dated because, raised as a Christian, dating was evil (along with music, alcohol, and having girls in your room.) I embraced my religion wholeheartedly and hid my homosexuality under a vale of condemnation, while still being 'myself' (my soft centered, not quite masculine and not quite feminine, asexual self). Eventually, most people stopped assuming I was gay once they saw me campaigning against gay rights and gay marriage, or arguing against natural homosexuality in debates. I really was an extremist. And after every heated debate, I would return home and stroke to the thought of getting stuck in an elevator with a muscular jock, and offering to help him 'pass the time' until help arrived.

And so it is these two I (plural...I's?) which are fighting for control. The 25 year old me must make sense of it all, because one day I'm going to slip up and kiss my best friend, or massive amounts of porn will be found on my personal laptop, or I'll get AIDS, and it will be too late to explain on the offensive who I really am. Thus, Out Logic is born this evening to help me verbalize (literary...ize?) my ongoing thoughts of how on earth I'm going to bring my beauty and my beast together so that I can feel WHOLE.