Progress

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My 'coming out' is advancing quicker than I originally predicted. I told my good friend that I am gay. I just out and said it. We had spent the day together on a common task, and spent and sprawled on the floor I got a little quiet, and then said it. And then I smiled, a nervous smile and looked into her eyes, and she was also nervous, and didn't say anything for a split second. Then she said "Ok, cool. I'm bisexual."

What the fuck.

"Yeah, I like to make out with girls. I've been doing it for years!"

I could have shit a brick.

We spoke at greater length about it. She said that she didn't suspect it from me, and I said the same about her. I honestly didn't! This was total news to me! And then I realized that the shock and awe that I was experiencing was probably the exact same that she was. It was a great moment of solidarity. We both promised to keep each other's secret a 'secret.'

I'm going to be relocating in the next few months. I have decided that I am going to come out once I make the move. I don't want to make it a huge announcement. I don't want to have to take up people's time and then shock them with the news. Honestly, I'd rather just show up to a wedding with a boyfriend at my side and create a mini disaster in the midst of a happy event.

Ernest and Bertram

Funny and true.

Movies

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I've been doing a lot of gay research lately. Gay and bisexual movies mostly, from a list that I've compiled off of IMDB and am slowly downloading via bittorrent.

Some titles include:
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green
The Fluffer
Ken Park
Eating Out
Another Gay Movie

I was getting tired of quick and dirty porn, pointless sex without any context except a poorly lit concrete corner. In fact, there's barely any frontal nudity in these movies, except for Ken Park, but the actors look like they're underage (they're not) and it's all about dysfunctional people in the 'burbs, which is entirely unmasturbationial. In fact, the only movie that I wanked to was Another Gay Movie but that's because there was a hot double fuck at the end.

I watch because I want to see life from a different perspective, even if it's a farce or a bad script. I've been very sheltered, was raised with black and white worldview glasses that basically suck. I've been exploring during my adulthood, and these movies are another avenue of exploration.

What have I learned form these experiences? Well, for one, fem-bots bug me to death. And I really like seeing straight boy's get fucked.

(Holy shit, that's a lot of movies! And all this in only 5 days! Plus, I watched "They Holiday" which was just gay. In all three senses of the word. Except the homosexual one.)

Dreams

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I slept restlessly last night. I dreamed that someone I know found this blog, and word of my 'sexual deviance' spread like wildfire throughout my social network. I thought about my mom reading this space, and how devastating it would be for her. She wouldn't make it past the word 'cock' but it would be enough for her to disown me. I also had dreams that there were people trying to figure out who I was, linking this space to reality, in an effort to ruin me. While mostly unpleasant, I've been dwelling on it all day and have come to an obvious conclusion; talking about sucking cock is difficult when that act has only existed in your head and been concealed for a dozen years.

Yesterday's post is the first time, in my entire life, that I have articulated to myself or anybody else how I feel. Although, I told God earlier this week in a conversation we had in my room.

When I was imagining this space, I thought that it would be somewhere which I could point people to, and that they could at their own pace come to understand me. But then I wrote about muscular jocks and wanking, and I quickly realized that I will never be able to share this website with anybody that I know. This is alright because it's serving another purpose, which, as I mentioned earlier, is getting these thoughts, these actions, into the light of DAY.

We're just organic bodies with needs. We need satisfaction, and shouldn't ignore our bodies.

Out Logic

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An Introduction

I am not your average guy. I am unique, in that most people I know, and most people I meet, are either intrigued or repelled by my differentness. I'm skinny and under-muscular, but I think that I have a great personality and I'm a good friend. I am Christian, but I swear, too. I open myself up to see the real person behind the clothes and hair product. I don't have a hard shell, nor do I hide behind a tough guy persona, because I don't have anything to hide.

But I do have something to hide. I am a double agent in my own life. Deep down, I am gay, but I'm living in a straight man's world.

By day I go along with straight life with my friends. I talk about getting married and having children. I think that I will be a great father. I'm in love with a girl, and she knows it, but I don't know if she loves me back. I am not dating and don't want to any time soon, but I have wonderful friends whom I love dearly.

By night, I fantasize about men and masturbate to daydreams in which I'm a main character, and am fully out. During the day I will notice beautiful women with long and luxurious hair and edible smiles, and I let out a whistle and turn to my co worker to talk about 'her' when she's out of range. I also notice attractive men, and shudder under my breath. I work in customer service, and my friendly smile doesn't flinch an instant. When I tilt my head forward, my ball cap covers my eyes and I can stare at their crotch, looking for their phallic outline.

In high school I was teased because everyone thought that I was gay, and it bothered me that I was so transparent as to let the secret slip. Of course, I denied it. I never dated because, raised as a Christian, dating was evil (along with music, alcohol, and having girls in your room.) I embraced my religion wholeheartedly and hid my homosexuality under a vale of condemnation, while still being 'myself' (my soft centered, not quite masculine and not quite feminine, asexual self). Eventually, most people stopped assuming I was gay once they saw me campaigning against gay rights and gay marriage, or arguing against natural homosexuality in debates. I really was an extremist. And after every heated debate, I would return home and stroke to the thought of getting stuck in an elevator with a muscular jock, and offering to help him 'pass the time' until help arrived.

And so it is these two I (plural...I's?) which are fighting for control. The 25 year old me must make sense of it all, because one day I'm going to slip up and kiss my best friend, or massive amounts of porn will be found on my personal laptop, or I'll get AIDS, and it will be too late to explain on the offensive who I really am. Thus, Out Logic is born this evening to help me verbalize (literary...ize?) my ongoing thoughts of how on earth I'm going to bring my beauty and my beast together so that I can feel WHOLE.